Feminine virginity: What’s it worth in the 21st Century?

Once upon a time, the lineage of an entire family and the legitimacy of monarchical governments and vast empires hinged on the presence of one very small, but culturally significant trans-vaginal membrane called the hymen – the (supposed) physical proof of sexual abstinence in women. Girls of all social classes had to be mindful to protect it at all costs. For the poorest girls, virginity was the only chance at securing a husband and having some sense of respectability in the absence of wealth and consequence. For the middle class, virginity secured a girls prospects of marriage and, indirectly guaranteed that, presuming there were no male heirs, any fortune her parents had could be hers as it was not uncommon for girls of proven extra-marital sexual activity to be disowned by their parents. For the upper class and aristocracy, the hymen was more than a badge of decency and ticket to heaven: it was also a matter of economics and politics. Virgins were the method of payment for securing commercial and political alliances through marriage (as marriage could only be authenticated once the groom could confirm that there was indeed a hymen to be broken). In many noble families, particularly those closest to the throne or seat of power, wedding nights were no private affair. The court would surround the bed of the newly married couple during the bride’s presumed first experience of sexual penetration. Once the act was complete, appropriate senior members of court would examine the sheets for signs of anticipated vaginal bleeding. If the sheets were indeed blood-stained, then she could breathe a sigh of relief as she would have proven that she had fulfilled her political and economic responsibility of no sex before marriage, thus affirming the bloodline of the new alliance. If the sheets were not spattered in the slightest, then the very unlucky bride would have some serious explaining to do. The absence of some benign explanation that could be confirmed through medical examination (such as hymen that was intact but did not bleed significantly enough to show on the sheets) would mean the ruin of not only the bride, but that of her entire family. Unlucky brides and betrothed girls who were presumed to have lost their virginity before marriage have been stoned, flogged, whipped, beaten and burned alive in cultures around the globe. Indeed, the hymen has historically been a very powerful pawn of power and social rank. But that was then…

Today, with the exception of some more archaic cultures in some dark corners of the planet, virginity has become more of an issue of public health and moral standing. For this reason, in western culture, the choice of remaining a virgin is a very personal one and is usually influenced by upbringing, education, socialisation and sexual outlook. Of course, in most societies of Judeo-Christian faith (where Catholic, Protestant, Jewish or Muslim ideology prevails), female virgins are still held in high regard as symbols as purity, decency and discretion (the opposite applies to male virgins who are generally looked down upon and considered to be less than masculine due to their lack of sexual prowess and inexperience). However, in a modern society where women are presumed to be the equals of their male counterparts; societies in which sex is no longer presumed to be the sole territory of married couples, what does it mean to be an adult female virgin? How can this social anomaly hope to find love and happiness in an environment where “test it before you buy it” has become the order of the day? Scientists have asserted that men, regardless of their culture, upbringing, religious identity, ethnicity and socio-political persuasion, do not bond at the psychic level with a prospective mate until they have actually had an orgasm with their partner. This means, in layman’s terms, unless a man has had sex with his female consort, he never really truly “falls” for her at the hormonal level. If this is true, it would mean that many men have married spouses without truly being in love 100%; that their desire to have that woman as a partner (for any number of reasons other than pure “love” – professional ambition, religious requirement, socially conservative context, tribal tradition etc.). If science is accurate, how does the modern virgin find real love? How does the modern virgin prepare herself psychologically for the process of sex with a lifelong partner to whom she is married before having that experience?

To explore this state of being, I asked an attractive, bright  female friend ( who shall be called “Anne” to protect her anonymity) who is a virgin to express her point of view on what led her to abstain and what difficulties she has encountered along the way as a result of this lifestyle choice.

Anne, 32, a college graduate residing on the East Coast of the United States

“These are my reasons for being abstinent:

Objectification

Strangely enough, I have never been self conscious about my chest but – full disclosure – I naturally wear a 36DD bra which is quite big and because of that most men tend to view me more as an object than a person. They tend to talk to my breasts and not look into my eyes and I understand men are visual and all but most men tend to approach me and objectify me in that way. Very few approach me with respect though I think I carry myself well and I never wear tight clothes and am appropriately dressed. Most men make it obvious that they really only see me in a sexual way which is very frustrating. I want to be with a man who is my friend because the looks will go (and my breasts could too considering the high incidence of breast cancer and the necessity for double masectomies in my family history) so meeting a man who really wants to get to know me as a person is something I definitely need and if I don’t get it, I’m fine with being single for the rest of my life. I’ve been the “trophy girlfriend” before to a very attractive man who was a nice guy but who really only liked my body/face and the fact that his friends found me attractive too so at first it was cool him wanting to show me off and then it was just weird and off putting. He didn’t really want me to talk and he didn’t really want a real relationship. It was like I was his show pony or something. In any case, I do like when men find me attractive but if they don’t want to know the person behind the looks (and I’m no Halle Berry, but you know what I mean) then I don’t want to go any further.

Spirituality

For me, only part of my being abstinent comes from my spirituality. I actually came to my faith/spiritual beliefs through two things: 1.) a belief in the concept of Divinity/The Trinity, and 2.) Reason (inclusive of logic & science since I was always fascinated by science growing up and proved to myself that God existed through scientific evidence) Because of science/logic or what I call it most often -  “Reason” – there are things I don’t do. For example, I am an overly affectionate and emotional person. I have bipolar disorder as well which greatly affects both my moods and my perspective so I know that sex to me would mean a LOT more to me emotionally than to my male partner. I just think men don’t really think of it the same way most women do and it would crush me to have someone just use me for sex and then leave. I mention all this to say that,  bottom line: I don’t think I’d handle premarital sex well emotionally. I’m more fragile than your average person I guess you can say.

Temptation

I definitely am fascinated and attracted to the male body and enjoy looking at nude pictures from time to time to admire  but here’s where my “reason” comes in again…I just don’t look at it all the time because logic/reason has taught me in the past that if I look at it too much, then my desire to have sex just gets stronger which will put me at odds with the discipline with which I want to live my life.

STDs/Pregnancy

The incidence of STDs in my hometown of the Washington DC area was and still is ASTRONOMICAL. They have a very high incidence of HIV which further deters me from having even protected sex which isn’t 100% safe. I also have a friend who contracted an STD so it’s very real to me and just isn’t worth the risk of getting something or having a baby which coincidentally leads me to talking about childbirth issues…

Kids

My situation is unique…I don’t want to have biological children because I think I was telling you a while back how horrible my mother and grandmother and great-grandmother had it…they all had terrible cramps growing up (as do I) and fibroids and a really terrible time carrying children overall. My maternal great-grandmother had a little girl when she was 21 that died shortly after birth and then another little girl when she was 23 that died shortly after birth…my grandmother had a horrible time during pregnancy with miscarriages and only carried one baby to full term (my mom). Then my mom nearly died of toxemia giving birth to me, and then she had my little brother when I was 2 years old but he died after living only a day then she had many miscarriages after that so I feel uncomfortable reproducing in much the same way as a woman would feel if she knew she were a carrier of hemophilia or something – to me the risks of giving birth to a child who will suffer greatly somehow are just unfair to the unborn child. Also, I’m nearing my mid-thirties so my eggs aren’t as “fresh” as they could be. But I do think very highly of adoption and foster parenting, though. I’ll probably take those avenues if and when I’m ready for a child.

I think decisions regarding sex also have a lot to do with the way you see yourself…

Maturity

I think having sex requires a degree of maturity and emotional stability that, honestly, I don’t have right now. I say if you’re mature enough to handle it, then go for it but if people like me who really have wild emotional swings – both on and off medication - should be extra cautious…

View of Self

I have always seen myself as a loner. I’m definitely an introvert. People think I’m extroverted but I’m really not. I grew up abandoned by my dad and also as an only child raised by a single mother who worked overtime most of the time. So, since I was 9 or 10, I was home alone by myself and I’m most comfortable being by myself. I do think about marriage from time to time but I don’t really feel like it’s in my destiny (but who knows…if a decent guy comes along I wouldn’t push him away!!!) So I mention all this to say that I see myself as being single for the rest of my life which has the effect of dulling (but of course not entirely cutting off) my sex drive. I think people who really want to be in relationships and want to form connections with people probably have a greater need to physically consummate.”

I would like to thank Anne for taking the time and having the courage to discuss something so personal and profound with me and my readers (the few of you weirdos out there! ). I hope this sheds some light on the phenomenon and I hope some of you will leave a comment to let me know what you think about it. Feel free to send a post on the topic and I will feature it on this blog as an extended forum.